november

a journal to comment on, oh wow!

i am dreaming about you

i gotta start gambling more often.

this song makes me think of hatefucking someone who dumped you awhile ago and then "realizes how much you mean to them"... i'm being serious.

"people hearing without listening." it's fucking insane. i can talk about the same thing over and over to you and tell you my exact problem with your actions and you hear me because you can repeat them probably word-word-word but you never really listen.. and i can tell this because nothing ever changes. it's amazing how people throw around "i love you" like it's nothing and then expect that to make everything better. or even worse, expect it to still have meaning after being said so many times... but when was the last time it was said with feeling anyway? "i would never hurt you" i can't decide which hurts worse.. you saying that knowing you are only saying it and not meaning it... or you hurting my feelings and making me feel like garbage... words, my comrades, but never actions. words can only get you so far. maybe i am shitty for standing up for myself/what i believe... but i would rather be shitty than dead or dying. because that's what i would be if i never gave a fight.

i have lost all sense of emotion right now, but that's how i felt earlier tonight. lack of sleep makes you insane. i am physically impared. my legs don't want to work. i'm going to have to use telekinesis to get them to move.
dude. yankees tomorrow. i forgot... and also, i don't really care that much. but if no one hangs out with me i'm going to pay attention to it. so hang out with me. eh? ehhh? bye.

i'm sick of sitting and watching life go by.. it's lonely in a way i can't really describe. and i am really good at describing things, trust me.

dear kids from buffalo,
stop moving to cities known for their pizza.
-kimberly grace.

have you ever felt like second choice? how awful of a feeling is that? when there's something or someone that someone picks over you. you just didn't make it. you just weren't good enough. almost, but not quite. always someone or something better. well then imagine being third choice instead. it's a lot worse. not to mention i have Xs on my hands still from yesterday. today sucks. i need to get out of here.
plus i'm listening to the postal service. i feel like jumping from a bridge and splattering. that's still one of the cooler ways to commit suicide, i think. jumping from high up to hit the ground. shooting yourself is boring and "heroin is so passé " obviously. i don't know what i'm talking about...

i got kicked in the shin today. there's skin missing. my hair looks like i just had sex but i didn't. and my house smells like raid... spray paint apparently. my brother's doing. i'm bored. i never write about how bored i am in here, but i'm really bored right now. too bad i don't have a car.

i wish i knew how to just hate people the right way. i am so terrible at it.

i think i am dead..?

man. when i think about the scumbag mouths i have kissed i want to scrub my lips bloody. i could make a list, but that's pretty inconsiderate. i just want to hit fast forward to fifteen years from now so i can see most of you balding and beer gutted with your "totally super cool" now awful, bitchy, puffed up wife. oh and your pride and joy children who are all in juvy for arson. you'll be "an artist" and your wife will be a housewife who can't even bake. you'll swear and make angry disgusted faces just like now except then it won't be crude in the charming way. it'll be crude in the "you have a face i'd like to hit" way.
but all of this doesn't mean i never liked you. because i did. i just don't anymore... at all.

new email
knifechase@hotmail.com

i really can't stand most of my brother's friends. why are they so loud?

the last week has been really great, but i feel like i'm on the verge of something awful. which is unexplainable because like i said, everything has been great..

Auto response from kim was like: taking a shower.

heartsbleedcold: you dont take showers ! where's kim?

you are cold hearted, just leaving me hanging like that. i don't like knowing my time was wasted on thoughts of you and all the while you were looking around for something better. i can't search, i just find. sadly i found you. and well, i can't become, i just am. i feel like a 33 played 45 style but my hair never gets any longer and your lips are still curvy and i hate you. you look like a hopped up mongoose. your children will learn everything from your behavior. i couldn't stand to watch you live and i don't think you'll be able to stand on the sidelines while your children fuck themselves up the way you are fucked up. but at least they'll have a bloated healthcare plan you usa nightmare utility vehicle clump of cigarette yellow skin, rotting teeth, and calcium deficient bones.

i am hungry a lot. im gunna be a fat bookworm homebody soon. that's okay.

i wish the world would flood so i could hop into my dad's canoe and paddle myself away. i'd pile in my friends and go west and just wait for the world to dry again.

OtisMoonpie: OMG somebody just tried to "save" me with the power of christ at the comic store!!!!!
kim was like: NU UH
OtisMoonpie: totally yuh huh
kim was like: haha what did you say?!?!
OtisMoonpie: i said, "no thanks, i'm not down with the savior today"
OtisMoonpie: he asked why
OtisMoonpie: and i said "because the fucker gave me this sinus infection"
OtisMoonpie: and he got angry and left
kim was like: hahahahahaha we are getting married
OtisMoonpie: let me get well and we'll roll out marriage style
kim was like: yesss